I started drinking alcohol at the age of 14. I loved it! I felt so grown up and confident, all my friends did it and IT became my friend and lover, my crutch and my social platform to stand on!
I just drank a lot like everyone else, mostly nights out at weekends with friends.
I then became a student nurse and getting drunk was an essential part of our education so we all assumed and people always said ‘nurses are the worst for drinking and partying’
I had a few ‘incidents’ and scrapes with danger, taken a few risks, had a few hazy memories and some full on hangovers that would wipe out the whole next day, who didn’t it was actually quite the laugh in my generation to chuckle because someone or all of us had a hangover as surely that was PROOF we must have ‘had a good night’. I would love being told how ‘funny I was’ at a party or how the wild stories would get a laugh.
However, also weekday evenings with friends, weekends and weekdays alone when a single mother, wine with lunch or meet ups for a wine or gin and tonic (not a coffee anymore), weekends and weekdays with my husband when we went out, weekends and week days at home.
When I first heard of Dry January I laughed my head off and couldn’t imagine anything worse than a month without it, staring oddly in awe of anyone who could do it. Certainly not me Alcohol was part of who I was, I loved it and couldn’t bear the thought of us being apart for a whole month.
Then came Sober October again, HA I thought wow who could do that, certainly not me. I think I tried it once and got to the 2nd – see I could have a day off in my mind I was no alcoholic.
One glass was NEVER enough. I was a ‘Pringle’ drinker! This seems to be a family theme, so it wasn’t just me (more excuses).
Once I ‘pop’ed I couldn’t stop and one bottle soon turned in to 2. I started to feel anxious at night when getting home in case there was ‘not enough’ wine in and if we had been out for a drink, I would have to make sure there was drink to come back home to, after a school run I would look at the clock and see if it was an ‘acceptable’ time to drink usually after at least 5.30 or after my youngest was in bed if I was really being sensible.
I believed the word ‘Alcoholic’ didn’t apply to me as I wasn’t unemployed, I didn’t sleep on a park bench, I never slap my children, I didn’t shake without a drink or drink all day.
My husband mentioned the A word a few times and so to prove I wasn’t I would have the odd night off (which was uncomfortable) I also signed up to an alcohol support service and went once, but saw other people there who fit the stereotype (god I was so judgmental then too) so that just confirmed to me I couldn’t be an alcoholic, I didn’t fit in there.
I did start to notice little things then though like the fact that all of my facebook posts had alcohol either in my hand or in the photo somewhere.
All the Jokes I made or lol shares were alcohol related.
If I even thought about having a break there was always, a wedding, a birthday a night out, a Friday a day ending with a Y. I would find an excuse to drink.
2020 Lockdown
Everyone took to Tik Tok to ease the stress and entertain so I think one of my first was a lip sync of a drunk person.
What I thought was a normal lifestyle hit me in the face when I knew I would be forced to be at home with my two greatest responsibilities and achievements, my beautiful daughters.
Already snapping in the morning as my head pounded like it did on a daily basis and tired and sluggish from fitful broken sleep, I decided ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH.
It was like a slap in the face an awakening I WAS an Alcoholic I DID have a problem.
I would rule my life not WINE!
I went Sober in 2020 in Lockdown, due to the hangovers the cost and the person I had been for many many years.
I’ve always been a spur of the moment person and so on around the 27 April 2020 (a week after my birthday) I just decided and stopped!
The first year
The first year was the hardest, I worried people would think I was boring. I worried I wouldn’t be funny anymore. I worried what people would think. I worried about how I would deal with stress.
Dealing with stress was hard. I could always numb my feelings before, now I sat with real, sometimes raw emotion, this was uncomfortable and hard to re learn to deal with.
The first Christmas was strange I had always had a ‘Baileys Coffee’ Christmas morning followed by Bucks Fizz, wine with Dinner and whatever else. I got plenty of Nosecco and 0% drinks in and it still felt quite festive so I had been over thinking it. A Christmas with a clear head and a boxing day!!
The first night out with friends. This was a friends birthday, socially distanced in lockdown so not an ordinary night out, but I took my own Elderflower cordial and Sparkling water and drank just as much of that as I would have wine and had a good laugh. The friend knew my situation and kindly said she couldn’t tell I hadn’t had a drink I was still funny. Phew!
The first meal out with friends. I drove something I would never normally do as I had to be the drinker. It was fine, I drank 0% lager which was refreshing and again no hangover.
The first barbeque at home. Again fine, I did have to stay up to drive someone home to save them getting a taxi, which I didn’t like as I was tired and wanted to go to bed earlier than they wanted to leave so set a new boundary that, just because I was sober I wasn’t going to be a taxi or transport for drinkers unless it suited me.
Holidays
The first holiday abroad. This was particularly eye opening as, as a pringle drinker, I would start with a beer in the sun on holidays usually late morning and then be anxious about where and when the next drink would be, so I actually realised I was truely present and enjoying this holiday far more than any others.
4 Years on.
I am now coming up to 4 years and I don’t miss Alcohol one bit.
